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Abusers and Reactive Abuse
Abuse is all about control and manipulation, but what is meant by ‘reactive abuse’? Imagine a relationship where one person is abusive towards the other. However what if the abuser claimed to be the victim and blamed the other for being abusive towards them in the way they react and respond?
Click to view my video explaining reactive abuse
When one person holds the other responsible for everything that is wrong in the relationship or has them accept blame and shame for when aren’t the way they want them, there is a point where victims may become uncertain of their own feelings and experiences. Their self-esteem and confidence can be eroded away over time only to find themselves being criticised for not having any.
The victim may endure abuse for so long, being told they are the problem and that they have no right to feel the way they do that they may feel afraid to mention their hurt out of fear they’ll be accused of over reacting.
Eventually though the victim may have had had enough and may end up exploding. They may even lash out in an abusive way thinking it’s the only way they’ll be heard. The abuser calls this kind of reaction proof that they are indeed the victim. They use the explosive reaction to reinforce their claim that the other person is aggressive, is far too demanding, is unreasonable and so on. Sometimes they may say this while crying to show how hurt and frightened they are or in a calm voice to point out how unstable the other is. One way or another they will never take responsibility for their behaviour or actions.
A good indicator of who is the abuser and who is the victim is quite a simple one. Most victims admit wrong doing, apologise for their feelings, behaviours and even their reactions to how the abuse affects them. They may even admit to how badly they have reacted to being undermined, devalued or neglected.
On the other hand abusers never accept responsibility or admit fault. Instead they tend to explain their actions. For example, ‘Let’s look at why I said that’, ‘That shouldn’t have had to happen’, ‘You make me do this’ and so on. The victim will always blamed. Any acknowledgement of the other person’s experience would be like an admission of guilt.
#reactiveabuse #abuser
This article was written by sentientcounselling