Envy

Envy is often confused with jealousy. For example someone might say, ‘I’m so jealous of your new car’, but they’re not really. They are actually envious. Whereas jealousy is often feeling a perceived threat of losing someone or something important to you, envy can be a mix of feeling resentment, inferiority, hostility etc. It’s something we feel when we compare ourselves others, especially those we think have more, are more popular, are more accomplished, those we feel are in any way superior.

There are different levels and aspects to envy. When we are envious we are socially comparing ourselves to others. If we compare ourselves upwardly we feel someone is superior to us. A healthy envy can inspire and motivate us to strive harder and to be better. An unhealthy malicious envy can leave us feeling resentful wishing the target of our envy to be taken down a peg or two. This kind of envy is never satisfied. When we compare ourselves downwardly we feel we’re superior. An unhealthy downward comparison would be pouring scorn on others and their attempts, laughing when they fail. I remember when I was a teenager I was at a family funeral and was introduced to a former neighbour and friend of the family I’d never met before. He asked me what I wanted to do when I left school and I replied that I was interested in training to be a journalist. He turned to others in the room and said, ‘Letters to the editor’, and laughed. Boy did I feel belittled at his scorn. However I found out in later years that he had spent most of his life surviving on benefits and drinking heavily. After that I too felt a downward social comparison but was more with gratitude – there but for the grace of God go I.

Envy can be a positive force for good if we acknowledge it and use it positively. For example if there is someone we know who is doing something or has something that we want we can befriend and learn from them. We can go from envy to inspiration.

#envy

Tags: counselling, envious, envy, jealousy, sentient counselling